Friday, April 15, 2011

A Fish Out of Water

I recently spoke to a woman at church who mentioned that during her mission trip she became frustrated because she did not speak the language or enjoy the food in the country she was serving. She said no matter how hard she tried, she just could not connect with the people there. A co-worker told me how her son who is living in a foreign country (Russia, I think) stated he was tired of trying to communicate with his host family who spoke no English. She said he felt it was particularly unbearable when he became sick. He just wanted something familiar and comforting around him which they couldn't provide. As I reflected on these experiences, I realized you don't always have to visit a foreign country to be a fish out of water (FOOW).

Scientific studies have been conducted on what happens to a fish when it is out of water for too long. The main effect being the gills dry up and the fish dies of suffocation. It is a slow death that's difficult to watch.

In some ways, I think I have become a FOOW. Don't worry, keep reading, this is not a pity party or judgement of the deep south--just an honest observation of an experience at this point in time. I am a positive person who wants to positively influence and relate to others. I share these observations because I want to grow and help others who might be experiencing the FOOW syndrome. What amazes me most, is the impact being a FOOW has on the FOOW's personality and joy. I call it the "FOOW Syndrome," where several things can happen:

1) You are unable to have meaningful, genuine conversations. Every conversation is guarded or defensive causing only surface interactions.

2) You don't have anyone to offer healthy challenge to you professionally, personally or spiritually, so you become out of touch because of #1.

3) You become acutely aware of nonverbal behaviors (i.e. people tense up, make strange facial expressions or stop talking when you walk into the room).

4) You become systematically excluded from professional and social events causing you to become lonely and even a bit angry---feeding further negative opinions of your attitude and behavior.

5) You exhibit the physical symptoms of stress such as weight gain, headaches, fatigue, and other illnesses.

6) Finally, and most unfortunate, you become irritable in response to being alienated, isolated and lonely. Sadly, this provides more ammunition to further exclude you. Your gills begin to dry up as you flop around all of this and the slow suffocation begins.

Today an EF3 tornado almost leveled the city where I live. My husband was out of town. After making it home safely, I realized that locally I had no one to call and no one called to check on me.*** I am a firm believer in "to gain a friend, you must be friend." As the storm was moving in, I called someone to see if they were okay and the conversation was awkward. I'm not sure the person even understood I was just concerned about them. Once again, guarded and weird conversations. I have even tried to stop wearing business suits to work thinking my attire might be causing the distance. I only wear suits because I own more of those than anything, due to my previous career. Reality and maturity remind me that not everyone connects or likes each other but this is the first time in my life I do not have genuine, deep, caring relationships in the place where I live and work. And that's unhealthy for someone who seeks a fit body, career and spirit. So I am praying about how to better connect and understand what God is doing in this situation.

I have asked myself intellectual and spiritual questions about being a FOOW. Is the lack of connection because the pull of sameness is just easier for most people? Is it because friends and family would judge us if we had a friend from a different background in our homes, churches or social circles? Perhaps it's because if a person does not fit the typical behaviors, speech patterns or social interests expected of a particular gender or race, then people don't want or know how to relate to you. Perhaps high standards of excellence and a strong work ethic cause people to become unnecessarily nervous and insecure. As I look to God for answers, I simply wonder what is the greater purpose of all of this? I am not angry or blaming anyone, I'm just hoping to figure out ways to swim back into freshwater and return to joy.

The good news is I still have healthy, strong, joyful relationships all over the country. These people lift me personally, professionally and spiritually. I can get to any of them via a plane ride, Twitter or Skype but they are not here daily to spontaneously encourage, embrace and show me love in person. That causes me to feel a slow suffocation most days. I long for the authentic support systems, belly laughs, intellectual debates and the caring conversations I have known in other places. I miss having someone ask me about me about my family, my day, care enough to celebrate a success or pat me on the back when things get rough. It reminds me of a great proverb that states, "Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget."

In a freshwater aquarium there are thousands of different species of fish available to the aquarist. The various types of fish found in the hobby today come from all over the world. These fish all have their own preferences for environment and social behaviour yet they share the water and learn to swim in the same direction. They all have similar basic needs: a comfortable water temperature, nourishment, kindness and to swim peacefully within the tank that they are forced to share. Sometimes we think only fish who are alike should be with each other. That's not always true. When a new fish is introduced into the tank, it requires the other fish to accept the new fish and avoid judging it based on the external appearance or what others have said about it.

As a species who often flops around outside of the aquarium at work, there are subtle ways other fish guard themselves. It causes the FOOW syndrome to manifest in me. So I focus inward and ask myself: Should I leave behind who I am and try to fit what makes others comfortable? Do I try to laugh along when a joke or comment reinforces a negative portrayal of another? Do I sacrifice my strong work ethic so others don't think I'm so intense or feel the need to be guarded or secretive?

After publishing these thoughts, I fully realize this may cause even further alienation, judgement, defensiveness or criticism. The unfortunate part is that I will most likely never have honest or intellectual discussions about it. Mainly because it is such hard work for us to invest in growing and building relationships. Alas, I am compelled to write about that which I know impacts my mind, body, career, and spirit. Simply put, I long to get back in an aquarium where we can all breathe and swim freely. I don't care if they are goldfish, bluefish or catfish. I just need kindfish, honestfish and determinedfish. Misery does not love company--joy loves company. I'm not miserable, I just want air, water and yes, joy in growing and building a life and leaving a legacy.

After reading this, would you comment or check a box below? If you comment, try to keep it constructive even if you disagree with me. Bring life giving water into this aquarium! I welcome your thoughts, observations and prayers to return to the freshwater aquarium of clarity, openess, friendship, peace and joy. I can breathe there. What about you?

Have you ever felt like a FOOW? When? Where? What did you do?

***On the day of the tornado, Bruce A. called and sent me a text, he just wanted to know if I was okay or needed help with anything, it brought me to tears.

10 comments:

  1. Well I absolutely think the world of you and have so much respect for the classy woman of the Lord that you are! Talking to you, taking your fitness classes, and even seeing you interact with others encourages me in a way that very few people do. I consider you one of my biggest role models and encouragers at MC. I am praying very hard for you and am so honored to love you as a sister in Christ!

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  2. Micheal, Thanks for your kind words. My greatest joy remains in seeing hope for the future in students like you!

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  3. Clare,
    I agree there is a responsibility for both sides of the aquarium to understand and accept. The challenge is to not make assumptions and to openly ask questions or discuss problems when you don't understand another fish. That requires maturity and honest conversations. Having lived in many other places in the U.S. I know it is possible. No one is perfect but everyone has feelings. My intent is not to blame, judge southerners or make anyone unsettled. I love who I am, sharing my gifts, learning from others and where God has placed me. This is just a heartfelt open prayer and observation. Thanks for your mature, open perspective.

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  4. Karen,

    I, too, have often felt like a fish out of water and like I don't belong, even here at MC where I've had a very successful college career. I identify with so many of your feelings and often times I don't even know where they come from...just an overwhelming feeling of being largely unfulfilled and unaccepted within the path I've chosen. I can't offer much advice, but do know that I love you and am thankful for your encouraging and wise words! Sometimes it's just nice to know that someone else has felt the same way.

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  5. Julie, thanks for your comment and being able to relate to this observation. My work with students and consulting keeps me breathing in the aquzrium. I think the answer may be to trust God and always be authentic. Even though not everyone will like you or understand you. God always has a purpose even when we don't understand it. Hugs!

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  6. K2L, you are right! You don’t have to be in another country to be a FOOW. In fact, you don’t even have to be in another city. Try being in the same place you’ve been for the last 40 years and still feel you are a FOOW. I understand lacking those meaningful relationships where others you engage are just as considerate as you. Ever feel like you are the only one asking, initiating or even doing something in the friendship? Many times I feel like the hardest working person in the relationship. And in fact, if I would stop initiating, there WOULD BE NO FRIENDSHIP! WHAT’S THAT ABOUT?

    I’ve decided to pause… step back ….. and hold off contact with individuals who have me feeling like a FOOW. I intend to look introspectively at myself to see if I’m being too unrealistic with my expectations of others. But deep down inside, I know we just aren’t swimming in the same ocean. And at the end of the day, I have to keep seeking fish who want to swim where I swim….. In a BIG OCEAN full of adventure and new things to explore! K2L…..ARE YOU IN?

    DENAY!

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  7. Denay,
    Love this perspective on being a FOOW! Sounds like you think big and dream big. So do I. Not everyone understands or embraces that. I just know you must walk in grace, dignity and use the gifts given to you by God. Introspection is always good without being angry, bitter or defensive. Then move forward in peace. Try not to settle for less than you deserve if you become lonely during this process. I know there are big fish in that big ocean who will swim with you! Yes, I'm in! Thanks for reading my blog! Big Hugs and smooches! K2L

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  8. Love the comments here, keep them coming. Think about this in relation to being a FOOW:

    "The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority." Ralph W. Stockman

    Both the FOOW and the fish in the water need to equally work to accept and understand. Yes?

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  9. Hi Karen, every time you post a blog I'm always excited about reading it, but this one I must say left me feeling like wow Lord, I had no ideal my friend and sister in Christ is experiencing all of this. While I read on I couldn't help but think about myself, I feel as though I can relate because I'm almost 50 years old and I'm just now beginning to experience some healthy and meaningful relationships. What I've discovered is that people in general are always hungry for change and want something better for themselves, but don't necessarily know how to get there or how to ask for help. It's kind of like the children of Israel, every time something got hard or difficult they wanted to go back to Egypt. Instead people would rather reject you because they would like to be where you are in terms of the substance of your character but don't understand what you went thru to get to where you are and it's work. People carry a lot of scars as well and as much as they'd like to trust again, they don't always find it so easy to do so. Just recently I encountered a lady that I tried to help at work, not only was I rejected, but everytime our paths crossed she rolled her eyes at me. At first I was crushed and then I got angry because I thought we're to old for this. Instead of remaining angry I invited her to lunch and she tactfully declined, that was okay because it released me and now when I see her the resentment is still there,but I don't allow her to disrespect me or steal my joy as she once did. What works for me is being myself, I don't meet any strangers I'd like to think that I embrace everyone that crosses my path, how they respond is on them. I usually end up alone more often then I'd like to, but I have peace. I realize that just as another individual doesn't know what I'm going thru it's the same with them. I also realize I experience a great deal of what I do because of my walk with the Lord. You are not alone, thanks for sharing and I hope you found me to be an encouragement. Lastly, don't hesitate to talk about it just be mindful of who you talk to, it's not about being on a pity pot, we're human beings, it's our makeup. Love you and you just be you - a beautiful woman of character and substance with a heart for God. Oh you mentioned something about changing how you dress, your cue should be what's the dress code for work, nowadays it's business casual - gives you a fun excuse to shop - my point is if this is what you decide to do, make it something fun and comfortable for you! Meredith

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  10. Meredith,
    Thanks for sharing your experience. As I said, I am not sad or angry just always seeking to grow, understand, communicate and demonstrate that everyone has feelings--including me! Your comments are indeed an encouragement and all seasons of life make us better, not bitter. Thanks for reading my blog and sharing your comments. Blessings!

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