I recently spoke to a woman at church who mentioned that during her mission trip she became frustrated because she did not speak the language or enjoy the food in the country she was serving. She said no matter how hard she tried, she just could not connect with the people there. A co-worker told me how her son who is living in a foreign country (Russia, I think) stated he was tired of trying to communicate with his host family who spoke no English. She said he felt it was particularly unbearable when he became sick. He just wanted something familiar and comforting around him which they couldn't provide. As I reflected on these experiences, I realized you don't always have to visit a foreign country to be a fish out of water (FOOW).
Scientific studies have been conducted on what happens to a fish when it is out of water for too long. The main effect being the gills dry up and the fish dies of suffocation. It is a slow death that's difficult to watch.
In some ways, I think I have become a FOOW. Don't worry, keep reading, this is not a pity party or judgement of the deep south--just an honest observation of an experience at this point in time. I am a positive person who wants to positively influence and relate to others. I share these observations because I want to grow and help others who might be experiencing the FOOW syndrome. What amazes me most, is the impact being a FOOW has on the FOOW's personality and joy. I call it the "FOOW Syndrome," where several things can happen:
1) You are unable to have meaningful, genuine conversations. Every conversation is guarded or defensive causing only surface interactions.
2) You don't have anyone to offer healthy challenge to you professionally, personally or spiritually, so you become out of touch because of #1.
3) You become acutely aware of nonverbal behaviors (i.e. people tense up, make strange facial expressions or stop talking when you walk into the room).
4) You become systematically excluded from professional and social events causing you to become lonely and even a bit angry---feeding further negative opinions of your attitude and behavior.
5) You exhibit the physical symptoms of stress such as weight gain, headaches, fatigue, and other illnesses.
6) Finally, and most unfortunate, you become irritable in response to being alienated, isolated and lonely. Sadly, this provides more ammunition to further exclude you. Your gills begin to dry up as you flop around all of this and the slow suffocation begins.
Today an EF3 tornado almost leveled the city where I live. My husband was out of town. After making it home safely, I realized that locally I had no one to call and no one called to check on me.*** I am a firm believer in "to gain a friend, you must be friend." As the storm was moving in, I called someone to see if they were okay and the conversation was awkward. I'm not sure the person even understood I was just concerned about them. Once again, guarded and weird conversations. I have even tried to stop wearing business suits to work thinking my attire might be causing the distance. I only wear suits because I own more of those than anything, due to my previous career. Reality and maturity remind me that not everyone connects or likes each other but this is the first time in my life I do not have genuine, deep, caring relationships in the place where I live and work. And that's unhealthy for someone who seeks a fit body, career and spirit. So I am praying about how to better connect and understand what God is doing in this situation.
I have asked myself intellectual and spiritual questions about being a FOOW. Is the lack of connection because the pull of sameness is just easier for most people? Is it because friends and family would judge us if we had a friend from a different background in our homes, churches or social circles? Perhaps it's because if a person does not fit the typical behaviors, speech patterns or social interests expected of a particular gender or race, then people don't want or know how to relate to you. Perhaps high standards of excellence and a strong work ethic cause people to become unnecessarily nervous and insecure. As I look to God for answers, I simply wonder what is the greater purpose of all of this? I am not angry or blaming anyone, I'm just hoping to figure out ways to swim back into freshwater and return to joy.
The good news is I still have healthy, strong, joyful relationships all over the country. These people lift me personally, professionally and spiritually. I can get to any of them via a plane ride, Twitter or Skype but they are not here daily to spontaneously encourage, embrace and show me love in person. That causes me to feel a slow suffocation most days. I long for the authentic support systems, belly laughs, intellectual debates and the caring conversations I have known in other places. I miss having someone ask me about me about my family, my day, care enough to celebrate a success or pat me on the back when things get rough. It reminds me of a great proverb that states, "Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget."
In a freshwater aquarium there are thousands of different species of fish available to the aquarist. The various types of fish found in the hobby today come from all over the world. These fish all have their own preferences for environment and social behaviour yet they share the water and learn to swim in the same direction. They all have similar basic needs: a comfortable water temperature, nourishment, kindness and to swim peacefully within the tank that they are forced to share. Sometimes we think only fish who are alike should be with each other. That's not always true. When a new fish is introduced into the tank, it requires the other fish to accept the new fish and avoid judging it based on the external appearance or what others have said about it.
As a species who often flops around outside of the aquarium at work, there are subtle ways other fish guard themselves. It causes the FOOW syndrome to manifest in me. So I focus inward and ask myself: Should I leave behind who I am and try to fit what makes others comfortable? Do I try to laugh along when a joke or comment reinforces a negative portrayal of another? Do I sacrifice my strong work ethic so others don't think I'm so intense or feel the need to be guarded or secretive?
After publishing these thoughts, I fully realize this may cause even further alienation, judgement, defensiveness or criticism. The unfortunate part is that I will most likely never have honest or intellectual discussions about it. Mainly because it is such hard work for us to invest in growing and building relationships. Alas, I am compelled to write about that which I know impacts my mind, body, career, and spirit. Simply put, I long to get back in an aquarium where we can all breathe and swim freely. I don't care if they are goldfish, bluefish or catfish. I just need kindfish, honestfish and determinedfish. Misery does not love company--joy loves company. I'm not miserable, I just want air, water and yes, joy in growing and building a life and leaving a legacy.
After reading this, would you comment or check a box below? If you comment, try to keep it constructive even if you disagree with me. Bring life giving water into this aquarium! I welcome your thoughts, observations and prayers to return to the freshwater aquarium of clarity, openess, friendship, peace and joy. I can breathe there. What about you?
Have you ever felt like a FOOW? When? Where? What did you do?
***On the day of the tornado, Bruce A. called and sent me a text, he just wanted to know if I was okay or needed help with anything, it brought me to tears.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
3 Life Lessons from Having No Voice
Thanks to WebMD, I self-diagnosed my case of laryngitis.** The human voice basically consists of sound made by using the vocal folds for talking, singing, laughing, crying or even screaming. When these folds become irritated, laryngitis may occur. In my case, the most likely cause is a combination of the secondhand smoke and car fumes I inhaled during my trip to Spain last week, straining my voice teaching fitness classes the day after I returned and breathing in the heavy pollen blanketing the south right now. Whatever the reason, I sound like a cross between Harvey Fierstein and a bad impression of a drag queen. Whenever something like this happens to me, I tend to lean toward finding greater meaning in it.
So what happens to a person when their voice is reduced to a raspy whisper or at times uncontrollable, random squeaks that should be words? For me, it has highlighted three life lessons:
Lesson #1: Find new ways to get routine things done.
While I look healthy on the outside, if I try to speak my voice is raspy and barely audible. When I tried to order a cup of Starbucks coffee at the drive-thru window this morning, the barista could not hear or understand me. As I whispered, "tall,non-fat, 5-pump, caramel latte" with all my might, the girl keep saying what? what? is this some kind of joke? It wasn't. So I had to park my car, get out of my car and go in to order my morning cuppa java. Flexibility in life is always key and two days of having no voice clearly reminds me that sometimes you have to move outside your comfort zone to get things done. That includes your job search, your workout and managing your career.
Lesson #2: Be patient for good results.
This is one of my greatest challenges whether I have laryngitis or not. I have Googled and researched every possible home remedy or quick fix for laryngitis. From singers to great orators, no one really has a quick fix . The best thing is to rest the voice, drink warm liquids, gargle with salt water, be silent and wait it out. Wow. That's hard for me. I like results and I like answers. Yesterday. But I with this one, I just have to do my part and wait. This patience thing with proper action also works for a few other things in life too. Just think about it, weight loss, career satisfaction or spiritual growth are never easy to acheive but always worth the wait when you do your part.SOmetimes your part is to be still.
Lesson #3: Know who you are.
When you have no voice, it affects your inner feelings and confidence too. Today for the first time, I spoke by phone to the person organizing an event for which I will serve as the keynote speaker. I kept apologizing and reassuring her that I was a capable, confident speaker despite the sound of my voice. Even though I had been highly referred by someone who heard me speak, having this new raspy, soft-spoken voice made me feel less than capable. Inwardly I was concerned she would think I would not be able to deliver an interesting, powerful, motivational speech. But I realized, it's not the loudness of your voice that matters, its the passion in your heart that counts. What are you passionate about? Is it reflected in your life without you having to say a word? Each day I pray that is the case for me. So I rest in knowing who I am.
While a simple case of laryngitis may be nothing to most people, it has been poetically meaningful to me. I am reminded to be thankful for every working part of my body and to always treat it with care. I am reminded how many times God uses a still, small voice to speak to our hearts in times of trouble or great joy. I am reminded that life lessons can pop up at any time and in any situation. Take inventory of your career, relationships, fitness and spiritual condition. The messages are there but may be quiet reminders from the least likely places. Find new ways to get routine things done, be patient (but not lazy) and know who you are. Yep. That's what laryngitis taught me.
Have you ever lost your voice literally or figuratively? How did it make you feel? Leave a comment or check a box below. Your voice matters to me.
**Since writing this post and upon the urging of my dear big sister in Chicago, I have actually visited a live medical doctor and been officially diagnosed: Allergy induced laryngitis and sinusitis.
So what happens to a person when their voice is reduced to a raspy whisper or at times uncontrollable, random squeaks that should be words? For me, it has highlighted three life lessons:
Lesson #1: Find new ways to get routine things done.
While I look healthy on the outside, if I try to speak my voice is raspy and barely audible. When I tried to order a cup of Starbucks coffee at the drive-thru window this morning, the barista could not hear or understand me. As I whispered, "tall,non-fat, 5-pump, caramel latte" with all my might, the girl keep saying what? what? is this some kind of joke? It wasn't. So I had to park my car, get out of my car and go in to order my morning cuppa java. Flexibility in life is always key and two days of having no voice clearly reminds me that sometimes you have to move outside your comfort zone to get things done. That includes your job search, your workout and managing your career.
Lesson #2: Be patient for good results.
This is one of my greatest challenges whether I have laryngitis or not. I have Googled and researched every possible home remedy or quick fix for laryngitis. From singers to great orators, no one really has a quick fix . The best thing is to rest the voice, drink warm liquids, gargle with salt water, be silent and wait it out. Wow. That's hard for me. I like results and I like answers. Yesterday. But I with this one, I just have to do my part and wait. This patience thing with proper action also works for a few other things in life too. Just think about it, weight loss, career satisfaction or spiritual growth are never easy to acheive but always worth the wait when you do your part.SOmetimes your part is to be still.
Lesson #3: Know who you are.
When you have no voice, it affects your inner feelings and confidence too. Today for the first time, I spoke by phone to the person organizing an event for which I will serve as the keynote speaker. I kept apologizing and reassuring her that I was a capable, confident speaker despite the sound of my voice. Even though I had been highly referred by someone who heard me speak, having this new raspy, soft-spoken voice made me feel less than capable. Inwardly I was concerned she would think I would not be able to deliver an interesting, powerful, motivational speech. But I realized, it's not the loudness of your voice that matters, its the passion in your heart that counts. What are you passionate about? Is it reflected in your life without you having to say a word? Each day I pray that is the case for me. So I rest in knowing who I am.
While a simple case of laryngitis may be nothing to most people, it has been poetically meaningful to me. I am reminded to be thankful for every working part of my body and to always treat it with care. I am reminded how many times God uses a still, small voice to speak to our hearts in times of trouble or great joy. I am reminded that life lessons can pop up at any time and in any situation. Take inventory of your career, relationships, fitness and spiritual condition. The messages are there but may be quiet reminders from the least likely places. Find new ways to get routine things done, be patient (but not lazy) and know who you are. Yep. That's what laryngitis taught me.
Have you ever lost your voice literally or figuratively? How did it make you feel? Leave a comment or check a box below. Your voice matters to me.
**Since writing this post and upon the urging of my dear big sister in Chicago, I have actually visited a live medical doctor and been officially diagnosed: Allergy induced laryngitis and sinusitis.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
What's a To-Stop List?
As we move further into March, I have to remember its only the third month of the year. That means it's time to review my 2011 goals and reset them if I need to. While I am always talking about setting goals, accountability, taking action and creating to-do lists, a Twitter friend whom I've never met, Daniel Foisy(@wisdomalacarte), recently tweeted about creating a "to-stop" list. This concept has been around in weight loss circles for a few years. The basic idea is to identify factors distracting you or holding you back from reaching your goals, write them down and then make a concious effort to STOP doing them! For some reason this caused me "to stop" in my tracks. It inspired me to think about my lists differently. As I thought about the idea of a "to-stop" list, I reflected on my own constant state of busyness.
There's great power in that idea for me because I am a person who has a high level of physical and mental stamina. This drives my desire to see things get done with a high degree of excellence, create, innovate and help others grow. This sometimes causes my "to-do" list to become longer than what can get "to-done" in a normal week or work day. I want to give more of my time and energy to those things that matter and make an eternal difference. Yet, I have to take responsbility for my actions, my preparation and the decisions I make. Besides reaching my goals, I want to respond to people and situations in a refreshing, sincere way. After thinking about that, I realize I need to stop doing some things. When I stop doing or even thinking about certain things it allows blessings to flow more freely and my peaceful mind to be sharp.
Whether you want to lose weight, find a job, grow spiritually or be a better parent, there are things in your life you need to stop doing. What are they for you? They may be large or small, but they are connected. Stop procrastinating. Stop worrying about things you can't control. Stop allowing clutter in your physical surroundings. Yep, it all matters. So join me today in creating your own specific "to-stop" list. In the interest of self-disclosure and accountability, here's my personal list of what I need to stop doing over the next three months:
Karen's To-Stop List:
1) Complaining about something but not being willing to step up and change it.
2) Being critical of my appearance and weight and not just thankful for good health.
3) Insulting God by worrying.
4) Trying to help people who won't even try to help themselves.
5) Constantly wondering if I am making difference in my work and with my team.
6) Fearing the outcome my upcoming marathon...it's not until October!
7) Avoiding tough workouts and long runs.
8) Allowing clean clothes to pile up in the laundry room.
9) Eating lunch alone at my desk.
10) Taking even the smallest blessing for granted.
If I just stop doing any five of these things listed, I am convinced I could get closer to greater joy. Besides, I can't do anything effectively when my mind and spirit are in a state of clutter, distraction or negativity. I always choose to have a longer term vision, no matter what the circumstance. I know that when I spend more time looking through a telescope rather than a microscope, I am a better person. God really does have a plan for each and every one of us. Sometimes our microscopic busyness and negativity gets in the way of His plan. Your life, your legacy and these lessons matter. Let's stop blaming others and take a look at ourselves. What's on your "to-stop" list? Share a few with me here. Big or small. Talk to me by checking a box below or leaving a comment...you matter to me!
There's great power in that idea for me because I am a person who has a high level of physical and mental stamina. This drives my desire to see things get done with a high degree of excellence, create, innovate and help others grow. This sometimes causes my "to-do" list to become longer than what can get "to-done" in a normal week or work day. I want to give more of my time and energy to those things that matter and make an eternal difference. Yet, I have to take responsbility for my actions, my preparation and the decisions I make. Besides reaching my goals, I want to respond to people and situations in a refreshing, sincere way. After thinking about that, I realize I need to stop doing some things. When I stop doing or even thinking about certain things it allows blessings to flow more freely and my peaceful mind to be sharp.
Whether you want to lose weight, find a job, grow spiritually or be a better parent, there are things in your life you need to stop doing. What are they for you? They may be large or small, but they are connected. Stop procrastinating. Stop worrying about things you can't control. Stop allowing clutter in your physical surroundings. Yep, it all matters. So join me today in creating your own specific "to-stop" list. In the interest of self-disclosure and accountability, here's my personal list of what I need to stop doing over the next three months:
Karen's To-Stop List:
1) Complaining about something but not being willing to step up and change it.
2) Being critical of my appearance and weight and not just thankful for good health.
3) Insulting God by worrying.
4) Trying to help people who won't even try to help themselves.
5) Constantly wondering if I am making difference in my work and with my team.
6) Fearing the outcome my upcoming marathon...it's not until October!
7) Avoiding tough workouts and long runs.
8) Allowing clean clothes to pile up in the laundry room.
9) Eating lunch alone at my desk.
10) Taking even the smallest blessing for granted.
If I just stop doing any five of these things listed, I am convinced I could get closer to greater joy. Besides, I can't do anything effectively when my mind and spirit are in a state of clutter, distraction or negativity. I always choose to have a longer term vision, no matter what the circumstance. I know that when I spend more time looking through a telescope rather than a microscope, I am a better person. God really does have a plan for each and every one of us. Sometimes our microscopic busyness and negativity gets in the way of His plan. Your life, your legacy and these lessons matter. Let's stop blaming others and take a look at ourselves. What's on your "to-stop" list? Share a few with me here. Big or small. Talk to me by checking a box below or leaving a comment...you matter to me!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Three Words
I smiled knowingly when I noticed the chatter on Twitter about Chris Brogan's three words for the New Year. Based on my previous posts, you will see that I too consistently adopt the three words, three points approach to life.
During interview coaching, students are often frustrated (then amazed--because it works) when I say, offer no more than three adjectives (with supporting examples)if asked by an interviewer to "tell me about yourself." Oh yeah, then stop talking. There's a hand gesture that goes along with the stop talking part.
My authentic leadership business clients always tell me they have so much more to say in their presentations, yet I gently encourage them to capsualize their topic into three main points so their professional staff can remember and then act on whatever is being presented.
There is sound theory and history for the three-points philosophy that took flight in the world of public speaking through Toastmaster's International and then in advertising, print and broadcast journalism, due to the time and space limitations of traditional media.
My three words are actually subsets of three broad life categories around which I have set specific, measurable goals for 2011: faith, fitness and career. So here we go, you've wanted to know...what three words support these goals?
1) Create
This involves spending my time on things that matter and make a difference in the lives of others. I need help to do this. I intend to create a personal board of directors by February and meet with them via Skype four times this year. These are the people who will support me emotionally, challenge me intellectually, offer direction and pray for me in my endeavors. Keith Ferrazzi expresses the importance of having a support system in his book,"Who's Got Your Back?" On a lighter note, I want to create a flash mob on the campus where I work. The song and dance steps to be determined...
2) Inspire
I seek to invest in authentic conversations, real exchanges and grow relationships that inspire. I am energized when I contribute to helping people find and use their God-given gifts and talents. I want to be around people who give me hope for the future. We must all avoid those Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success also known as H.A.T.E.R.S. What would happen if just one day a week we all tried to give more than we receive? Starting with time, talent and truth.
3) Teach
I am naturally curious and enjoy sharing what I've learned, especially when someone can improve or grow from it. I hope to continue teaching fitness classes three times per week and am also teaching a college level business communications course during the spring semester. Whatever and whenever I'm teaching, I pray others discover their potential mentally, physically and spiritually. Interestingly, these three words also describe how I try to live my personal brand in body, career and spirit.
Did you notice how many times I'm doing things in threes or using three words? I like this "three" game, we can play it every month and not just at the start of the New Year. What are your three words? Share them below this post...
During interview coaching, students are often frustrated (then amazed--because it works) when I say, offer no more than three adjectives (with supporting examples)if asked by an interviewer to "tell me about yourself." Oh yeah, then stop talking. There's a hand gesture that goes along with the stop talking part.
My authentic leadership business clients always tell me they have so much more to say in their presentations, yet I gently encourage them to capsualize their topic into three main points so their professional staff can remember and then act on whatever is being presented.
There is sound theory and history for the three-points philosophy that took flight in the world of public speaking through Toastmaster's International and then in advertising, print and broadcast journalism, due to the time and space limitations of traditional media.
My three words are actually subsets of three broad life categories around which I have set specific, measurable goals for 2011: faith, fitness and career. So here we go, you've wanted to know...what three words support these goals?
1) Create
This involves spending my time on things that matter and make a difference in the lives of others. I need help to do this. I intend to create a personal board of directors by February and meet with them via Skype four times this year. These are the people who will support me emotionally, challenge me intellectually, offer direction and pray for me in my endeavors. Keith Ferrazzi expresses the importance of having a support system in his book,"Who's Got Your Back?" On a lighter note, I want to create a flash mob on the campus where I work. The song and dance steps to be determined...
2) Inspire
I seek to invest in authentic conversations, real exchanges and grow relationships that inspire. I am energized when I contribute to helping people find and use their God-given gifts and talents. I want to be around people who give me hope for the future. We must all avoid those Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success also known as H.A.T.E.R.S. What would happen if just one day a week we all tried to give more than we receive? Starting with time, talent and truth.
3) Teach
I am naturally curious and enjoy sharing what I've learned, especially when someone can improve or grow from it. I hope to continue teaching fitness classes three times per week and am also teaching a college level business communications course during the spring semester. Whatever and whenever I'm teaching, I pray others discover their potential mentally, physically and spiritually. Interestingly, these three words also describe how I try to live my personal brand in body, career and spirit.
Did you notice how many times I'm doing things in threes or using three words? I like this "three" game, we can play it every month and not just at the start of the New Year. What are your three words? Share them below this post...
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