2013 Raw Realizations in three C's

Goodbye 2013.
Many will wax poetic about you. I have no grand messages or brilliant declarations. This past year has been an awakening of the deepest parts of my soul. I want to grasp and positively use the pain of this awakening. I don't make resolutions but I do plan to keep moving forward with my life goals. The words written here are for my own reflection and renewal. Perhaps someone else will find truth or an insight that might bring healing.

My 2013 has been navigated in less than perfect circumstances. I have been fully bent but not broken. I have arrived at some raw realizations as a result of 2013. So here they are in three words (with a few explanations):

Change. Early in the year, I moved again to a much bigger city. I changed jobs. I changed industries. The change became even more difficult as I recovered from a lingering illness that caused extreme fatigue. I survived a car accident. My car was totaled. My mom died. I've felt alone and misunderstood as toxic people appeared out of nowhere and seemed to be everywhere. Through it all, I have discovered I cannot negotiate life alone. We all need encouragement and love no matter how strong we appear. My husband and my sister, Connie, have loved me consistently and been a source of unimaginable support. And that's all you need--one or two people to love you like crazy. I know I have changed this year.  I have become more aware of suffering and unspoken pain. It has moved me from being concerned generally about others to being concerned viscerally for them. Through my own changes, I am more thankful for family and friends who love me even when I have not been easy to love. We all need wind beneath our wings...corny I know, but listen to the words of the song sung by Bette Midler here, it is real to me in so many ways.

Cry. When we are born we cry. When someone dies we cry. My mom died in August of 2013. I cried a lot. I cried more than I expected. And even months later, I find it difficult to control when or where I might start crying. I have cried around people who could care less that I was crying. I have quietly cried in the restroom stall at work. I've cried sitting in my car in the parking lot as I see an old woman navigating the grocery store. Tears are starting to form just writing this. So what. No one can determine how you will grieve. You are forever changed when you lose your mother. You possess a new gravitas once you have lost both parents. After talking with others who have lost a parent and been through the grief process, I am told it will get better but will never go away. So I cry when I need to.  It cleanses my soul. It allows me to bend and not break. If you see me somewhere crying in 2014, just hand me a tissue or give me a hug. I'll do the same for you.

Consider. During this tough year, I had to seriously consider how I would react to adversity and who I would be on the other side of it. I think about reactions, behaviors and communication styles frequently for purposes of continuous self-improvement, but it took on new significance this year. As I try to gain clarity around my dissertation thesis, I have been reading a lot about psychological capital. I wonder how and why some people thrive in certain environments and circumstances while others crumble. The concept of psychological capital is one of the best explanations I've found. According to Luthans, Youssef & Avolio (Oxford University Press, 2007), psychological capital is defined as "an individual's positive state of development" and is characterized by hope, efficacy, resilience and optimism. Here's how the researchers define those characteristics:
Hope. Persevering toward goals and when necessary, redirecting paths to goals.
Efficacy. Having confidence to give the necessary effort to succeed at challenging tasks.
Resilience. Bouncing back when beset by problems and adversity.
Optimism. Making positive attribution and expectation about succeeding now and in the future.

Hope, Efficacy, Resilience and Optimism. HERO. I seek to have these HERO characteristics as 2014 unfolds. Yeah, I want to be a hero. Maybe even a superhero. I want to be more considerate of others. I want to overcome pettiness. I want to trust more. I want to have a good belly laugh at least once a day. I want to dance more.I want to have honest conversations with authentic people. I want to get on with a life that energizes my soul. I want to help others find meaning and make meaning.  2013 has prepared the way. My faith reminds me there is joy and possibility awaiting in 2014. I will seek joy with open arms and a changed heart.

Sydney, Australia 2014. Bringing in the New Year!

Goodbye 2013. I am better, not bitter. I'm bending but not broken. Thank you for three C's and the raw realizations. Welcome 2014. I seek new adventures and a pure joy that reverberates in the presence of others. Be kinder. Be gentler. Someone needs that from you and me.  We are more than conquerors. We are over-comers. Go!

Happy New Year. Leave a comment for me below. Let's learn from each other.

The Longest Walk

My heart is breaking as I remember this giant of a man and his contributions to human rights and social justice. He sacrificed his marriage, time with his children and best years of his life to ensure freedom for others. He taught us dignity, grace and forgiveness. I am inspired that he lived on this earth during my lifetime.

Many have and will honor his memory. A prayer released Friday by Cape Town Archbishop Thabo Makgoba captured the essence and impact of this great man:

Go forth, revolutionary and loving soul, on your journey out of this world, in the name of God, who created you, suffered with you and liberated you. Go home Madiba, you have selflessly done all that is good, noble and honourable for God's people. We will continue where you have left off, the Lord being our helper." 

Rest in peace, Madiba. You completed your long walk to freedom  with grace, dignity and forgiveness. Thank you for what you taught us.

Does Bullying Exist in the Workplace?

The national coverage of the bullying incident reported by a player on the Miami Dolphins football team continues to dominate the news. As this story unfolds, it appears that bullying is no longer happening only to high school students. Big, strong football players can become overwhelmed by it too.

As a doctoral student studying organizational leadership and as a former career coach to college students, I began to wonder why this phenomenon appears to be growing in businesses across America. According to a recent workplace survey, one in three people say they have encountered intense hostility and hazing in the workplace. Much of it goes undetected because people live in fear of losing their jobs. 

In many cases, the workplace bully exhibits very specific and consistent behaviors. These may include making fun of the employee's speech, looks or other physical attributes in front of others or making demeaning comments when the employee offers an opinion or attempts to contribute professionally. Often these behaviors are conducted in front of others which only adds to the humiliation. The unseen behaviors may involve stealing ideas, criticizing every task or amplifying minor errors that are not business or task critical.

Workplace bullying has been shown to affect individual productivity as well as the bullied individual's physical and mental health. The bullied person can sink into isolating actions and depression which only makes them less pleasant to be around and gives the bully further ammunition. Productivity may decrease due to the bullied person taking more sick days. When the bullied employee is at work, errors may increase due to the lack of sleep and emotional fatigue.

So why wouldn't a person report this torture? Typically conversations with Human Resources professionals have left the bullied person hopeless. Human Resources staff are powerless or politically inclined to maintain the status quo. Even worse, if a human resources professional intervenes, the bullying may become more intense. In some workplaces, speaking up against a co-worker or bully boss only make things worse, so it continues to go on unreported.

A 2007 Workplace Bullying Institute survey shows, 53 percent of employers did nothing when an employee reported a workplace bullying incident. In 30 percent of cases, the person who complained got fired. If the person did not get fired, they were labeled a complainer, trouble-maker and socially ostracized. Additionally, the bullied employee's performance was more closely scrutinized making being productive virtually impossible.

All leaders know that every work environment has a dominant culture and expected performance norms. While leaders are not required to provide a stress free environment, bullying can cost a business greatly. The problem is that bullying affects everyone, not just the bullied person. Research has shown that turnover increases, morale decreases, and team performance may also decline when they observe bullying behavior toward a co-worker. Team members become very tight-lipped and robotic causing the work environment to lose its energy and creativity. 

Here a few tips for a person experiencing bullying and one for leaders:

1) Bullies exist because organizations allow them to. If the bully is thriving, it speaks to the organization's values. The bully may be a high performer or have great personal relationships with those in authority. If attempts to have honest conversations with human resources, senior leaders or the bully have failed--decide if it is worth it to stay. No job is worth losing your confidence and positive performance track record. 

2) Find a support system outside of your organization. While it may difficult to avoid going home complaining to family and friends, try to participate in activities that bring you joy and energy outside of work. Since exercise reduces stress, be sure to exercise everyday and get a good night's rest (at least 8 hours of sleep) to protect your physical and mental health.

3) Guard your heart. If you cannot immediately remove yourself from the situation, try to forgive the bully. When we don't forgive, we carry more of the burden than the person who has wronged us. Bullies are often insecure individuals. Make peace with yourself if you cannot make peace with the bully. Try to stay positive within the workplace and avoid making negative comments about the bully to co-workers.

4) Leaders, take it seriously. Leaders who fail to intervene after being made aware of bullying are equally responsible. As mentioned in number one above: bullies exist because organizations allow them to. Leaders need to try to avoid surface interventions, taking sides or ignoring the problem. Find was to mediate and resolve the concern even if it means mixing up teams. If the bully is a high performer you may be more inclined to let it go. Bullying negatively affects the bottom line, increases team turnover and reduces productivity of teams.

It is difficult to understand a painful situation like bullying if it is happening to you. Never stop believing there is good in the world. There is hope. There is a brighter future.  Mark Nepo says it best, "To be broken is no reason to see all things as broken." You will return to joy and energy.

I want to hear from you. Do you think workplace bullying is real or have we become a nation of whiners? Leave your comments below.

Hope Anchors the Soul

Have you ever felt your life spinning out of control? Whether it's consequences from decisions we've made, or life happening around us, many people are dealing with great personal pain. In recent months, I thought my life was settling down after recovering from pneumonia, starting a new job and moving to a new state. Then my mom passed away.

It was Friday, August 2, 2013. That morning, I'd spoken to my sister and told her not to tell mom I was coming home to Wisconsin for the weekend because I wanted to surprise mom. A few hours later that same sister called with the news that would change everything. "Karen you need to get here now. Mom just died." My mother had been struggling with the effects of Alzheimer's disease for over two years, yet one can never truly prepare for the moment. It's the moment of hearing the words "Mom died." Then in a dreamlike state you get on planes, make funeral arrangements, greet family and friends. You walk past people doing normal things, living life with loved ones and all you want to do is cry out in grief. I cannot even begin to unfold the complexities of grief, but I know that losing my mom has changed me. No matter how close or distant you are, nor how young or old your mom--a mother's bond is the strongest of all family connections. Losing my mom has indeed been a defining moment. I'm sure I'll write more about that sometime soon.

After returning to work and my new normal, I was sure that I was done with the drama that has etched this year in my mind. Nope not yet. This past week, I was in a traffic accident. I am thankful I walked away from the wreck just a little shaken and sore. My car, well that's another story. Dealing with the insurance company, not having a car to get to work and just the burden of another problem, have tested my resolve. With my husband working in another city and being new to the area, I felt so alone as I was once again left to deal with my physical and emotional circumstances of this minor traffic accident. Many people tell me they admire how strong I am. Some days I don't feel so strong. Most days I just need a hug.

I am not sharing these things to gain pity. I know there are others who have experienced far worse things than me. I share these things to remind myself and others that every where you turn there could be someone experiencing pain that you don't always see on the outside. My faith has taught me to everything there is a reason and a season--even when your heart is breaking, your body is exhausted and you don't understand any of it. 2013 has been my season in the wilderness.

For me, the only healing I can find comes from having hope. I recently came across some words of wisdom from Rick Warren, Pastor of Saddleback Church and author of The Purpose Driven Life. His tips for winning with the cards we have been dealt, resonate with me. Warren says, we all have been dealt five cards. Most of them we cannot change but one of them we can control.

1) Chemistry
The first card represents the body people are given and the chemistry that makes up their physical characteristics. We have no control over how we were created physically. While I agree that we have no control how we were physically created, I do believe that we must always take care of the one body God has given us. Even when I am overwhelmed, I try to exercise and eat nutritious foods.

2) Connections
We were made to be in relationship with others. We are wired to be connected. We all need support systems in our lives. This has been a tough one for me as I have moved to various cities throughout my career. Even when I've lived in a new place, I have often felt like a fish out of water. I have one, maybe two friends from long ago who live in different cities. I do not have the depth of connected, local friends who can support me in times of need and simply grab my hand to walk through life with me. I won't give up. I know that finding true friends is a process that requires an investment of time and shared life experiences.

3) Circumstances
We have no control over who our parents are or where we were born. Many times, we give this card way too much power. We all know we can't control circumstances. After losing my mom and being in a car accident, I have learned this in a real way. Even when you try to do things "right," negative circumstances can occur in our lives. The difference is how you choose to accept, deny or deal with the circumstances.

4) Consciousness
When it comes to this card it is all about the way you think. The way you think affects the way you act. If you want to change the way you act, start with your thoughts. If I'm acting depressed, it's because I feel depressed. You can't change a feeling – but you can change a thought. This one rings true. When I focus on all of my problems, I notice how others cannot see or experience the joy, love and openness in my heart. My entire demeanor changes. Whatever gets your attention, gets you.

5) Choices
This is the only card that you CAN control. It is the card that can either make or break the entire hand you've been dealt. It is truly the wild card. We have the power to change the direction of our lives by our choices. Perhaps God gave us the gift of choice because it can redirect all of the other cards. So today, I choose hope.

Even though I am weary and bending in the storms of life--I choose hope. When I focus on hope I am empowered to reshuffle all the other cards I have been dealt. I can only deal with life one day at at time. And I know I'll get through to the other side of all of this. One hope at a time. Helping someone in need. Encouraging someone in pain. I choose hope.What will you choose as your "wild card" to play the hand you've been dealt?  Leave your hopeful comments below...